I was just travelling back in my Uber and this thought crossed my mind again. Just how it has so many other times, it came back and hit me like a rock in my gut and I sunk into my seat, yet again. A thought about how we love and how we manipulate ourselves to love.
I've always had this idea in my head, but when I saw Inception, I could find words to describe it.
"Cobb: I can't stay with her anymore because she doesn't exist.
Mal: I'm the only thing you do believe in anymore.
Cobb: I wish. I wish more than anything. But I can't imagine you with all your complexity, all you perfection, all your imperfection. Look at you. You are just a shade of my real wife. You're the best I can do; but I'm sorry, you are just not good enough"
This is what hits you. You, all your life keep expecting things. Out of people, out of your work, out of yourself, out of everything! Because you have an idea about the thing, the person, the occasion. You keep expecting and subconsciously keep writing dialogues for yourself when you get there, preparing yourself for an event which cannot be controlled by you, which isn't related to your acts or your dedication and just is the fruit of something your mind imagines and forces you to believe in.
To start with, it can be anyone you love. You expect what you think you deserve, never truly understanding the person for who he/she truly is. You give in what you think you should and keep hanging in there. You imagine that person as how you want them to be, with all the perfections you cherish and the imperfections you fill in but you forget that at the end of the day, it isn't you. It is another person.
This thought just keeps hitting me and tells me to not understand anyone. Not try to judge anyone, leave the data which supports your predictions aside and just love. Not because love is pure and shouldn't lead to expectations, but because you don't know.
Something which can be done here is that you believe in something and someone over whom you have full control, and that will be you yourself. Now, here is where the main centre of the universe lies, on you. You are the only constant to the situations which come and go and you're the one who's actions can or cannot be predicted. So, maybe expect things just out of yourself? Dream of the image you want to be and reach there? But what if you never do? What if, you just keep failing while trying to climb up the wall of your own consciousness? The good thing here is, whenever you miss a stone and slip a few feet below, you know where the spot it. It's then you can choose to either dodge it the next time or fall back into the same pattern.