Understanding affinity to pain

The past few months have been the most turbulent months in nearly 3 years. Thinking back, it seems fair that I was affected by it and still am reeling from the impacts of the same.

It took me many iterations to get this one sentence right:

I feel that I have lived all my life with an undercurrent of sadness

which I masked to blend in and seem normal. I mean, during times of crisis I don't fake it till I make it and I do honestly talk about my pain but I feel that there is much more to it than I talk about (even when I talk about it a lot). I am much better now and I feel much more in touch with myself, which has made me realise that I cherish pain. It is a weird feeling but I do, I hide the sadness and protect it to make sure I am able to experience it when I want to.

I never saw this side of myself as I was always to busy 'doing'. That's most of my life, doing this or that - I never stop to feel and absorb, until something breaks and when it does, then I keep feeling for a long long time.

I just wanted to say that it is okay to keep the pain, the sorrow and the sadness. Happiness is mostly the sugar coat on the bitter reality of life or deep acceptance of the trust, however most of us confuse it to a state of being. In my experience, I have felt happiness as discreet moments. Singular and separated.

Watch a sunset without Instagram, walk alone without music, look into someone's eyes for a bit. This is happiness. Accept the undercurrent as the truth.

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